and i don't like this place. its a little too dark for me. a little too lonely. a little too hopeless.
but...i'm not quite sure how to get out. honesty, maybe? admitting that this is the place where i am and where i need to be?
but...i'm not quite sure i want to be honest. to take off the mask. cause honesty means being vulnerable, and being vulnerable means getting hurt. and i've been hurt enough.
to be or not to be. to go numb or to keep feeling everything, both pain, and eventually, joy.
to live or just cope. a thousand decisions and revisions and indecisions. because i cannot act unless i decide. and i can't decide. either to commit emotional suicide, or to keep stabbing the knife into my heart.
they say i've gotta swim when i'm not so sure i'll survive. so why swim?
im not ok. and im not ok with not being ok.
if i knew who i was, then maybe i could love myself and love people. i just want to love people. but i just want them to love me too. im tired of working to earn love. but how else do i get it?
i'm not sure who i am, but i don't think it's someone lovable. so i need to create a new person to be, one that they'll love.
being me is killing me. but so is being someone i'm not. being alone is killing me more quickly.
i can't go numb, so please come get me rescued.
1 comment:
I've been massively failing at reading blogs lately.
You are not an unloveable person. You do not need to make yourself into anything you're not. You just need to learn how to live in a community, with pain, with God. Don't have an identity crisis or anything. I like your identity. You just have some growing and learning to do, and it has to be in the direction of Christ.
I really don't think you're as messed up as you like to think you are. You'll be okay. I really think you will. Maybe you need to embrace being okay more than you need to embrace being not okay. I'm starting to think our similar problems have answers on opposite sides of the spectrum for us. I'm not sure, but it may be the case.
Post a Comment