i love Robynne Peterson so much.

that was cause Robynne told me to and i wasn't sure what else to say.

i'm not quite used to not knowing what to say. ive been told so many different things lately. about myself, about my problems, about how i should handle them. and i just don't have any answers anymore.

maybe that's a good place to be. if i can stop trying to answer my questions and let God answer them for me, that'd be best, i think. if i can stop asking other people my questions and rest in the answers God has already given me, that'd be good too.

i need to learn that i'm not being punished and i'm not going to be rewarded. it's life, not a game. and God works all things together for good, but not always for my good. or at least not for my immediate good.

depression sucks. but i can beat this. losing people was my worst fear, and it's coming true. but i can overcome my fears, because perfect love casts out fear. to hold a thing loosely...its hard but good.

im tired. normally when i'm tired, i guiltily take short breaks while thinking of all i should be doing, i harass myself into powering through anyways, and mentally flagellate myself for getting tired in the first place. today, i rested. some, anyways. i didn't do anything productive until 11. i read Ecclesiastes and played some worship songs on my piano. i listened to Rachmaninoff's All-Night Vigil and watched Moulin Rouge with Robynne. when i'm tired, i'm going to sleep. when i'm emotionally spent, i'm going to journal. cause i need to learn to take care of myself, cause no one else can do that for me. i need to learn to get myself better, cause no one can make me do it. rest, space, healing.

i don't really like where i've been at these past few months, and i don't know if i can say it's a good place to be, but it's a real place. and its where i am. and it's nice to have people who can acknowledge that and then treat me like a person and not just a problem to be dealt with. some people forget i'm still a person too. some people try and pretend i don't have any problems that they're aware of. i like honesty, but i also like respect. acknowledge that i'm struggling, but that's not all of me. my problems aren't the only part of me you've ever known. but they're a real part of me. so love all of me, and i'll try to do the same. i'll do the same regardless, but still, love me in my sin, don't see me as only my sin.

and through it all, God is God and all shall be well.