Breaking
"How did I get here? I'm not who I once was. Am I crippled by the fear that I've fallen too far to love?"-Tenth Avenue North, "You are More"
Falling apart, spiraling out of control. My life the past few days has been one miserable failure to love. Anxiety, depression, strain and stress and a breaking heart, coupled with physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion and the cares and frustration with running on 60-70% energy almost constantly have broken me.
I have no strength. I can't fight, I can't love, I'm slowly unravelling and I'm going to end by hurting everyone I've ever loved. A walking disaster of bitterness and betrayal, abandonment and angst, bump me and I'll bleed toxic waste. I've already hurt people I love, and that's killing me slowly, bleeding out from an imperceptible wound. Throughout the past semester, my one comfort was that no matter how much I screwed up, no matter how unhinged I came, I was still learning to love. And now...epic fail beyond that of all epic fails. Eyes wide open, hands free, I destroyed my one security-the belief that I could love.
Crippled by fear...that's so incredibly true. I'm starving for love and acceptance that I've convinced myself I no longer have. I need. So much. And this intense need is driving the very people I need farther and farther away. Without this assurance of love and sense of belonging, I feel like I'm slowly dying inside. But the very pursuit of being loved is killing me too.
I'm too far gone, I think. I'm an emotional wreck. Each mood swing more drastic than the last, the pent-up pressure can only result in an explosion. And when I explode, it won't be pretty. So look out world, cause I'm dying, and I won't go down gently. Slipping into the dark, grasping at straws that I know won't save me, falling off a cliff with nothing to break the landing.
After our Reynolds session last night, my biggest realization was this: Love is the most important thing in the world. And I'm screwing that up. So I'm basically gone, burnt out by a passion I didn't have strength to maintain.
3 comments:
You are never too far gone. That's the beautiful thing. God takes the few embers, blows on them gently, and revives the heart fires.
Never, best friend, never are you too far gone for love. Granted, being apart from you, I don't know what's been happening in and around you. But I want you to listen to me. You are loved dearly. I would not be who I am today if it were not for you and the passionate, intense love you showed me. So, as your friend, I am not going to let you fall. If I have to, I will carry you as best I can because I love you. I know how you're feeling and it is a dark terrible place to be. Let me be a candle for you. I love you, Elizabeth. And for the rest of my life, I will love you. Remember that.
Hey, let's talk soon. A meal, or time in Commons or my room or something if you can't spare a meal. Text me or Facebook me. <3
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