Breaking

‎"How did I get here? I'm not who I once was. Am I crippled by the fear that I've fallen too far to love?"-Tenth Avenue North, "You are More"

Falling apart, spiraling out of control. My life the past few days has been one miserable failure to love. Anxiety, depression, strain and stress and a breaking heart, coupled with physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion and the cares and frustration with running on 60-70% energy almost constantly have broken me.

I have no strength. I can't fight, I can't love, I'm slowly unravelling and I'm going to end by hurting everyone I've ever loved. A walking disaster of bitterness and betrayal, abandonment and angst, bump me and I'll bleed toxic waste. I've already hurt people I love, and that's killing me slowly, bleeding out from an imperceptible wound. Throughout the past semester, my one comfort was that no matter how much I screwed up, no matter how unhinged I came, I was still learning to love. And now...epic fail beyond that of all epic fails. Eyes wide open, hands free, I destroyed my one security-the belief that I could love.

Crippled by fear...that's so incredibly true. I'm starving for love and acceptance that I've convinced myself I no longer have. I need. So much. And this intense need is driving the very people I need farther and farther away. Without this assurance of love and sense of belonging, I feel like I'm slowly dying inside. But the very pursuit of being loved is killing me too.

I'm too far gone, I think. I'm an emotional wreck. Each mood swing more drastic than the last, the pent-up pressure can only result in an explosion. And when I explode, it won't be pretty. So look out world, cause I'm dying, and I won't go down gently. Slipping into the dark, grasping at straws that I know won't save me, falling off a cliff with nothing to break the landing.

After our Reynolds session last night, my biggest realization was this: Love is the most important thing in the world. And I'm screwing that up. So I'm basically gone, burnt out by a passion I didn't have strength to maintain.

What's In My Head Right Now

"I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, singing "Hey-o, gotta let go" This song always makes me think of crazy awkward dance parties in the back seat of my car. Not a good song to sing while I'm driving. Or at least, not a good song to obey.

Plato. He's pretty awesomeness. Symposium was good on the first read. The second read-through just to skim for key points blew my mind. Pretty sure I'll need to read it again before session. And talk to lots of Morgan House kids about it. And my mentor. And other mentors. And Dr. Reynolds. And then write my paper on it/Anna Karenina and have my mind blown some more.

Love kinda blows my mind. There's just so much of it here. I don't deserve any of it at all, the encouragement, the support, the hugs and compliments and patience. Maybe that's why it's called grace. I don't accept grace very easily. But I am so grateful for it nonetheless.

Grenade. Depressing song. I hope I've never been like that to anyone. I hope I've returned the love I've been given. Cause I'd catch a grenade for all of you...and I know you'd do the same. Still...catchy song :)

Catchy but depressing songs-John Mayer. Kinda mildly obsessed with his music sometimes. Learning Heart of Life on guitar and Dreaming with a Broken Heart on piano would be a successful accomplishment this semester.

It's kinda awkward sitting alone in the caf on a computer, wanting to sing your heart out and not being able to. Not that I'd do it if I weren't alone, but still. I wish practice rooms could fit more people, so people could just come chill while I messed around on the piano. I don't think I hate playing for people anymore. Probably a good thing, since I'll have to keep doing it for the next for years. It's easier with people I trust though.

It's been a long week. Lots on my mind, starting to weigh me down. Sometimes it feels hopeless, all the backsliding into depression and stress and anxiety each time I resolve to simply live and love and rejoice. But God's been there to pick me up every time I've fallen. So I should probably believe that He'll keep being there. And the cool thing is, people have been too. So I should probably stop doubting that they really love me. To everyone I've been driving crazy this week with my irrational fears, I'm sorry. To everyone I've vented to during the worst possible times, I'm sorry. To God, I'm sorry for failing. Thanks for loving me anyways. And for not making my works a condition of your love. Cause otherwise I'd be screwed.

I'm still sick after three weeks of coughing. Sometimes I think I'm just gonna keep coughing for the rest of my life. Which, other than the fact that everything is just sore now, wouldn't be as bad as a perpetual headache or something. But it just makes everything hurt...shoulders, back, ribs, throat, lungs...yadayadayada and I'm gonna stop complaining now. Cause life is pretty good. When my neck hurts, people give me backrubs. When I'm super tired, people give me awesome hugs. When I'm doubting my friends' love, someone tells me how much I mean to them. When I doubt God's presence, He gives me reminders through people, through music, through His word. When I'm hungry for more than I can find on this earth, God reminds me that there is more than this earth to look forward to. When I try and fill a void with guys, music, keeping busy, distractions, etc., God takes it all away, so He can fill the void.

"Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.

He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength.

Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;

but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like eagles;

They shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint"

-Isaiah 40:28-31

Change

I hate change. I really do, and I always have. Change is unsettling. When life is good, and things are comfortable and going well, there's no need for change. And when things are bad...they can always get worse. Change, in my mind, is almost always for the worse. And so I fight change and cling to tradition, cling to old friendships and old loves and old habits, grabbing on to weathered and worn weapons to protect me against the terrifying unknown. But sometimes, spring cleaning needs to happen. Sometimes the worn-down habits and strongly-held ideas need to go, need to be cleared away to make room for better beliefs, better friendships, better loves.

So at the beginning of a new semester, because I am a new creation, it's time for some changes. It's time to clear out the cobwebs of my soul and let in a little light.

1) I need to rest. Hectic hustle and bustle is killing me. Stress and anxiety about things I can't control is wearing me down. Rest restores. Rest relieves. But rest is also something I honestly don't know how to practice. So this semester, even with an 18-unit load and on-campus job, I'm going to make it a habit to deliberately and daily rest in the Lord for everything, but also take specific moments in the day to stop. Be still. And rest.

2) Spaces. Because not everything in life is a life-or-death situation, and little things matter. One space between sentences. Because I don't have to be right about everything.

3) Love. I don't get it. But I need to accept it without trying to be worthy of it. I need to give it without wondering how and if it will be accepted. God loves me. And I tend to forget that. But that's where everything starts. If I don't know that He loves me, if I don't remember that His love is unearned and constant, then there's no possibility that I can either give or accept that love. This semester, I want to love God, and remember that I am loved by God, so that I can love the people God has given me to love, and not doubt their love for me.

4) Humility. I may not act like it, but I am a ridiculously prideful person. I don't accept help easily. I don't change easily. With this pride comes a great deal of stubbornness and refusal to change, simply because I have to do things my own way, for myself. And this has hurt not only me, but a lot of other people. To everyone who's been hurt by my stubbornness and refusal to listen, I'm sorry. To everyone who's dealt with the consequences of my refusal to change, I'm sorry. To everyone who's borne with me throughout this past semester and interterm, thank you. The only reason I am a new creation is because Christ has made me so. The only way I can change is because God has given me the desire to change, and because He is making a beautiful thing out of me. This semester, I want to submit. Submit to God's plans for me. Submit to my professors' and mentor's corrections. Submit to my friends' wise insights into my flaws and failings, and then change.

Change is hard. But good. And it never stops, but I am confident of this: that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

one step forward, half a mile back

Worn out, falling over, grasping at the last straw

hoping it'll hold me up for just a moment longer

hoping with each step I take I'll somehow come out stronger

breaking down, giving up, heart cracked in two through a fatal flaw.

each step forward feels like another mile run

on shattered legs, with rasping lungs

death of everything i thought was given back to me

losing sight of everything I thought I'd finally learned to see

a whirlwind spinning out of control, sweeping away the pieces of my life

dust and debris and dirty broken secrets

regret for all the words I couldn't hold back

feeble apologies, bandaids to hide the knifes I twisted in their hearts

why am i so tired?

stop. peace, be still. rest in the center of the storm,

the still center of the whirling world. do not lose heart

let the wind batter, the world rage, the weight of glory fall

heavy on tired shoulders. He gives me strength to bear it.

Hindsight is 20/20

2010 was a weird year. Less of an emotional roller coaster than the previous few years, it was nonetheless a year of change and confrontation, two things which I avoid at all costs. A year of transition, of endings and beginnings, of old relationships fading and new relationships springing up in their stead. A year of changing from a child to an adult, from a high schooler with classes planned for her and easily accomplished workloads to a college student with decisions to make and her own schedule to balance. A year of changing dynamics in relationships with both family and friends, and a year of confrontation over the difficulties in many of those relationships.

Far more important and far more lasting than any of these small tweaks and turns in my life are the lessons I've finally begun to learn. Each year, different issues have begun to surface in my life, and each year, I've tried again and again to perfect myself, to conquer my vices, to overcome my struggles by my own strength. 2010 has been a year where God has complete stripped away everything that is not of Him; my pride and insecurities and the lesser goods I've refused to loosen my grip on. (Yes, I ended a sentence with a preposition. Deal with it.) The various issues I've dealt with all throughout high school finally came together at the end of this year, crashing over me in such an unavoidable manner, like a tsunami raging through a defenseless village, that I could do nothing but surrender completely and give up everything. You won't relent until You have it all, will you God? He wants everything I am and everything I have to be wholly devoted to Him. And this year, He finally broke through to me.

2010 began uneventful but with promise. A relatively smooth senior year, acceptance into both schools of choice, a newly forming band, and a return trip to the DR (Dominican Republic for those who haven't been) gave me something to look back on and something to look forward to. But between the beginning of January with its new beginnings and February with the promised return to a place where for once in my life everything felt right, something snapped. A relationship gone sour, an involuntary relinquishment of the peace and stability I had only held for a few short weeks, and I was back where I had been at the end of 2009: anxious, constantly tense, and emotionally exhausted.

Through a combination of clashing ideals and personalities and multiple misunderstandings and miscommunications, one of the friendships I prized the most was on the edge of a knife, only maintained by my sheer refusal to let go. This affected the missions trip I had looked forward to so much, turning it into a nightmare as I was constantly with one of the people I both respected and hated the most. It also affected the band which was to have been my creative outlet and emotional release during the year, turning it into a battleground for personal problems; a battle which I eventually lost and made a hasty retreat to avoid being unceremoniously booted off the playing field. In less melodramatic terms, I was an emotional wreck during the DR trip, and I left the band I had formed so I couldn't get kicked out. Throughout the tension of this particular relationship, I also had to deal with the decisions regarding college which I had pushed aside until this spring. Being accepted into the Torrey Honors Institute, and later on, the Conservatory of Music as a BA was a strong pull for Biola, yet I could tell that my parents still favored Providence. Wavering back and forth between schools and majors, waiting for a friendship to collapse completely, wondering when I would ever have complete clarity in my life and wishing for that unrememberable time when I was young and free of worry (unrememberable because I'm nearly positive that time never existed, at least not later than elementary school), there was absolutely nothing I could do. And yet I fought.

April, everything finally fell into place. I sent in my deposit for Biola and made the official decision to attend the Torrey Honors Institute as a double major in music with piano emphasis and English with writing emphasis (and no, I don't regret this decision for a moment). I had an amazing senior recital for piano, though I had been dreading it since the project began to take shape. And this relationship, such a subconscious strain in everything I did, was finally reconciled and the healing process began. (We went to Disneyland with a few other friends the next day-one of the best days of the year. Disneyland really is one of the happiest places on earth). With a restored friendship, a new band which I came back to as manager, and graduation just around the corner, I was ready for anything.

Summer 2010 was one of the best times of my life. Decisions regarding college had been made and thus were no longer a stress. High school was done forever, and I had three months to spend with my best friends before going to the school I had dreamed of attending for the past several years. Almost every day was spent with the people I cared about most, relaxing and rejoicing (and plenty of Dr. Who watching). Of course, I knew all that would change when I went to college, but I pushed that inconvenient thought to the back of my mind. One friend in particular tried to get me to accept the inevitable change, and not only accept but welcome it, but it was summer. I still had a month of vacation left. I was happy, and I wasn't going to think about people leaving. I hate it when people leave.

As the time for me to leave for Biola (leaving in the mental/emotional sense, as it was less than 20 minutes from my home), I began to dread the actual leaving. Having deep-rooted issues with abandonment and a resulting inability to let go of people I loved which started with my grandmother's death of cancer when I was 12 and was made more pronounced by a traumatic end to a relationship around the same time as my other grandmother's health issues, I resisted any sort of change and refused to admit that things could change for the better. Going to Biola while my friends went their various ways forced me to confront these issues for the first of many times. Compounding the tension was the knowledge that said traumatic-ending relationship was perhaps not completely over, as the friend involved in this relationship was also attending Biola and Torrey, and with the many mutual friends, we would inevitably be forced to confront, or at least re-connect. Having finally come to terms with the fact that I was over things in this relationship, knowing that this relationship wasn't actually over forced me to rethink things completely. Little could I have known that this relationship, with all its attached strain and stress, would be the basis for both the confrontation and reconciliation of some of the issues I had been dealing with all throughout high school.

Coming to Biola was by far the high point of the year. The people loved and the lessons learned have made this semester a life changing one. Although I was studying what I loved and thriving in Torrey, my stress levels increased as my sleep decreased, and with sleep's decrease, so did general levels of sanity and well-being. Considering how good my life was, it was rather odd that my emotional life should have been so traumatic, but then again, re-opening old wounds tends to do that. Seeing this friend again after two years to wonder, wish, and finally attempt to move on brought back a lot of issues I had never intended to confront. As we became closer and old feelings re-surfaced, so did the old fears of abandonment due to my own failures. Over and over again, in various ways and with various people, I loved and was loved in return, panicked that they would leave me and that I couldn't be good enough for them, and was finally reassured by them and God that I was safe. Over and over again, God tried to get me to let go of my fears and failures, bringing me again and again to a point of brokenness, and again and again, I tried to pull myself back together and be good enough for God.

Finally, He won. After a mild panic attack near the end of the semester, I realized how much my stress and strain was killing my joy and love. Physically and emotionally, I was spent. I had nothing left and I knew it. The only option was to die or be reborn. Having to let go of friends, of my own pride and neurotic need for perfection, of everything that was not God, I have gained so much more. Giving up, I have been given the greatest gift of grace and the perfect promise of hope. Seeking and striving for love and acceptance, I wore myself down. Seeking to see God, the only thing that will bring true happiness, I see the face of Love. God is Love, and I will abide in Love, and Love overflows from me.

Adding to the Noise

So much has been going on lately, and every new situation has just been adding to the stress and general anxiety of being a senior and being a human being living with human beings.  

Shakespeare is an amazing class-we've got a fantastic group, we have good discussions and I love the papers; Faith is difficult, the testing ground of Torrey, but what doesn't kill me will make me stronger, right?

Emotional girls should just get mood rings and save their friends the wanting to murder them, right?  I used to hate Christmas, I love it now; I was so anxious and worried, and now I'm pretty cool with life; I had no hope and there's a light at the end of the tunnel for me now...love you Reliant K, you got it so right :P

music makes me so happy...coldplay singing Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas, Coldplay live album free, anything coldplay=wonderful bliss; just discovered Jack's Mannequin and love them; Copeland Do You Hear What I Hear is fantastic; waiting for mae's (a)fternoon EP; i love music

Dominican is coming!!!!!  two months and ten days or so!!!!!  need money...

So that's my life right now...Merry Christmas everyone!

So I didn't go to Lancaster because I came down with a fever again on Thursday night...my mom thinks I had swine flu. Bleh.  

In other news, clep tests continue to abound, I should be practicing much more piano if I really want to have a senior recital, I missed out on mae and Deas Vail last night :(  and I got a new phone :)  Its very pretty, which makes me happyish.  

I need peace and quiet, I need to trust in God rather than managing everything myself but I can't let go for very long...

Just an update on my life...

...I'm sick :(  Fever, back ache, and head ache last night, still have a cough today but must get better by Friday because...

...I'm going to Lancaster to do a Spanish production of Speechless and outreach ministry work over the weekend!!!  Leaving this Friday and staying the weekend as long as I'm not sick...

...which will partly be dependent on how stressed I am between now and then, which was part of what brought on being sick...

...because I have two reflection essays due tomorrow, getting ready for Lancaster, college applications, etc...crazy busy :)

The doom of men is upon me, or what in the world have I just done, or...

...oh my goodness I just submitted my college applications to Providence and Biola!!!  Help!  I must now await with baited breath the outcome of these applications into which I have poured blood, sweat, and tears...well maybe not blood, or sweat, except for when we didn't have the AC on, and no tears...well, you get what I mean ;)  But anyways, they're off!  Which means I can work on my THI application, and then...wait.  And then...make major decisions.  And then...live by them.  Pray for me now and at the hour of my death.

Death by Term Paper

..somewhat like death by scratch-and-sniff, only for Torrey students ;)  

So next Tuesday, I have my final Foundations term paper due...I actually do like this paper, it's a comparison of Whitman's poetry to Longfellow's and Dickinson's, arguing that Whitman's poetry fails because it is too self centered.  Fun paper!  But it's due next Tuesday...and this Friday I tutor all morning, and have Speechless dress rehearsal that afternoon/evening.  Then Sunday is my sister's birthday...and Tuesday is my term paper.

After that...next Friday is Speechless!!!  Then Saturday a potential Speechless discussion, followed by my sister's birthday party/ a movie party with some friends from the Shakespeare class...death by term paper, yes?

P. S. brownie points to those of you who got the pushing daisies reference ;)

7 Things

No, this isn't a blog post about Miley Cyrus.  Rather, on Gabriel's previous suggestion, this is a post of things I love (and hate) about Christmas.  We'd rather end on a happy note, right?  So let's start off with the 7 things I hate about Christmas

1) More stress.  nuff said

2) worrying who to buy gifts for, and the possibility of not having a gift for someone who has one for you, or getting someone a gift when they weren't expecting one from you and having it turn into an awkward situation...

3) cheesy or annoying christmas music (Hippopotamus Song) playing consistantly on the radio.

4) not being able to find what you want at a store because someone bought it for their cousin Lina

5) super sappy emotional sentiments, when everyone believes that people will be nice now, because it's Christmas

6) Two whole weeks without schoolwork...so boring. (kidding about this one, mostly ;)

7) not being able to figure out what to give your dad since he already has 5 of the same tie that you've given him for 5 years in a row (I haven't actually done that, but serious, what do you get parents who can't possibly use any more stuff?)

And now, for 7 things I love about Christmas...

1) Christmas trees!

2) Decorating houses, trees, cookies, anything really :)

3) Christmas music...so many good songs out there :)

4) food...eggnog, gingerbread, peppermint, etc. the list goes on

5) a time to let go of external worries and focus on family and Christ

6) traditions such as advent, opening christmas pjs on christmas eve, 

7) pondering torreyish questions such as the incarnation of Christ, why Christ came the way He did, etc...

I could go on and on forever with this list, Christmas is such a wonderful time!

Suffering

Last night during family devotions, we read the first chapter of 1 Peter.  One verse that especially stood out to me was verse 7.  

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed."  (1 Peter 1:6-7, NIV)

I think it's interesting that frequently we as Christians pray to God that our trials may be taken away, and that He would take us out of the valley of the shadow of death so that we may go on our way rejoicing and be merry little Christians for the rest of our lives.  But Peter counters that view very effectively here.  He makes it quite clear that we have to suffer trials, in order that our faith may be proved genuine, and that God may be glorified.

Sometimes yes, we suffer because Satan is tempting us as he did Job.  Sometimes, we will suffer because of our own human stupidity and fallen nature.  But always, these sufferings are meant to make us grow, to purify our hearts and burn away everything that is not of God.  Therefore, rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say, rejoice!

What is love?

...baby don't hurt me.  A rather commonplace trivial answer to one of the most important questions that this inkblot has ever sought to wrap her head around.  

Yesterday in Foundations, Mr. Bartel read to us 1 John 4:7-12.  Love...does this passage reveal something to us about what it is, how we should show it, why we do it?  

God is love...what does this mean?  When I love, does that mean that I am giving God to someone?  If I love, then God abides in me, and His love is perfected in me...how can God's love be perfected in me?  If God's love is perfected in me...perhaps that means that the more I love truly, the more I will be able to love truly.  But, how do you truly love?

Is love self-sacrifice?  Is it sharing?  Is it God?  Or something more?  Love is not merely an emotion, yet it is not merely actions devoid of all feeling.  It is a choice, but sometimes we don't want to love.  

Love requires not just our hearts, not just our hands, not just our heads, but all three in combination.  Love is a feeling, a decision, an action...love must be an act of the whole soul.

Love...is an amazing thing.  Often, it hurts to love others.  When we give someone ourselves, they will hurt us, they will fail us, they will reject us.  Yet God still commands us to love one another.  Sometimes we love out of selfish motives...we think that if we just show enough love to this person, they'll love us back and we'll be accepted and safe.  Sometimes what we think is love is really shallow emotions or trivial affections.  

But still...we love.  Because when we do, something beautiful happens.  When we love one another, God is made manifest in us.  When we love, God's love is perfected in us, and we are able to love even more.  I don't know what love is, or what it is like, or why or how I am able to love.  But this I know..."Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." 

-1 John 4: 11

Speechless...

was. absolutely. amazing.  Seriously, it was totally a God thing the way last night went.  Bit of a background story...our youth group has put together a series of pantomimes set to various songs that performed together tell the gospel message.  (www.speechlessoc.com)  Last night we went up to a Hispanic church in Lancaster to perform the program in Spanish there.

From the start of the long drive up, everything seemed to go wrong.  We had crazy directions that took us through Angeles Forest on impossibly windy roads, and got there between 1/2 hour and an hour later than we had planned.  There were major tech problems with lighting, audio, video, and just about everything.  At 6:30 (1/2 hour before scheduled start time) they had just gotten the entire program to play through without skipping or stopping for the first time the entire afternoon.  We started behind time by at least 1/2 hour.

And then...there were the pantomimes themselves.  At the beginning, every thing seemed to go ok, but by the time we got to the third pantomime, things started happening...timing was off by 30 seconds or more, people missed their cues, props were lost, etc.  

As our leader later said, from a performance standpoint this was by far the worst performance we've ever had.  From a performance standpoint, that is.

But God was definitely working last night through all the trials we encountered.  Talking to people afterwards, it was easy to see how much God was able to use us to work in the hearts of others.  It was a hard lesson to learn, but a good one...that God can use even our most messed up attempts to serve him, and moreover, that God is most exalted when we are most humbled.

Which is why Speechless was so absolutely amazing.

A Rather Queer Occurance

Well, today something rather strange happened, though I'm still not quite sure what.  To begin with, my dad took Josh and I into the doctor's early this morning (as in 7AM) to get our blood tests.  Last time I was in for a blood test was between two and three years ago, so it's been quite a while.  But still, I wasn't too concerned.  I remembered that it wasn't too painful, they'd just take out the blood and be done with it.  

So we go in, wait around a while, and finally get our blood drawn.  I go up there and sit down, the guy takes the blood out, and I'm done.  While I'm waiting for my brother, I go lean up against a table because I'm feeling a bit light headed and queasy.  Gradually, the world begins to recede from view as the ringing in my ears grows stronger.  Before I know it, I'm lying on the table with voices buzzing around me.  "Elizabeth, Elizabeth," my dad calls insistantly.  Reluctantly, I respond, hoping to clear my clouded vision and calm my spinning stomach.  As the world comes slowly into view, my dad offers me a sip of water .  In a few minutes everything is normal once again.  Sitting up, I eagerly declare that I'm ok and slide neatly off the table.  Concerned, my dad and the assistants urge me to take it easy.   Protesting against all thoughts that there might be a problem, I nonchalantly leave the office.

For some time, I staunchly declared that I was fully conscious the entire time and never passed out.  But now I've come to accept the inevitable truth.  I have fainted for the first time in my life.  And it was a rather scary thing...but at the same time, if I had not fainted, what would I have to blog about?

A Sad Day

Today was a sad day in the life of a certain young and forgetful teenager.  Today, said teenager forgot something very important, and it will end up costing her dearly.  

Today as you all know is Tuesday.  And in the area in which I dwell, Tuesdays mean something.  

Now to those of you who might think you know where this is going, no I did not forget my Hobbes reflection essay at home.  Now that would have been a tragedy indeed.  But fortunately my paper is safe in the hands of Mr. Bartel.

No, in addition to papers being due, Tuesdays also mean something else...namely, street sweeping.  However, due to the pressing demands of Hobbes, Bach, and sundry other things in my mind, I had not remembered this.  Being the loving and serving daughter that I was, I decided to let my mom park in the garage when she got home.  But since she was not home yet, I parked on the street to wait for her.  

Yes, I was parked on the street when the street sweeper came.  Yes, I did get a parking ticket.  Yes, it will cost me precious dollars and cents that could have been spent on Dante or Chesterton or Bach or Rachmaninoff.  But today, I experienced a part of what it means to be an adult.  I made a mistake, and I need to pay for it.  I learned a lesson, and in that sense, perhaps today could be called a happy day.

Locke, Dante, Tolstoy...and Bartel?

Today, happiness abounds, for happy torrey classes are approaching but summer is still here.  Yesterday was my Torrey orientation at Biola, where I got my first assignment (ugghh), and found out who will be my guide through my head-life for the next year.  I've decided that orientations are much happier things your second year in Torrey, when you know many people there and can see friends from Bubbs who you rarely see in real life, and have the fun of already having heard rumors about tutors but don't know for sure.  Yes, orientation was a happy thing.   Thank you Grace, Amy, Cree, Ariel, Jessica, MaryKate, Paige, and Emily for contributing to this happiness :)

This summer has been a very productive one, I believe, especially after Wheatstone.  I've gotten to read many good books, which brings me to the title of this post...representing both the whence and whither of this year.  The what have you done so far, and what are you going to do.

1) Locke...first Foundations book...my first reaction to him is a definite "what on earth are you talking about sir?"  With perseverance I am sure he will be wonderful but right now when I'm still in summer mode it'll take some work to make me read and *gasp* precis it before the first class.

2) Dante...thank you thank you thank you Gabriel for making me read Dante now instead of in 10,000 years.  Inferno was fabulous and eye opening, Purgatorio is amazing so far, and I really hope to be able to finish all of him before school starts.  His poetry is just sublime!!!  I love the Divine Comedy, I am so excited to re-read it in Faith now...*sniff* a very long time to wait

3) Tolstoy...an absolute genius of story-telling...I read Anna K for the first time earlier this summer, and am now re-reading it, the sure test of a good book.  His way of writing characters that are actually real people instead of representatives of a specific virtue or vice is absolutely phenomenal.  Anna, Levin, Kitty, Stiva, and so many characters just seem to be brimming with life in all its agonizing wonderfulness.  Tolstoy, you are amazing and I wish I could write 1/100 as good as you.

4) Mr. Bartel...my Torrey tutor for Foundations!!!!!!!!!   I am officially very excited for this year now, I have heard so many wonderful things about him and I'm hoping he can bring a new level of community to our class.  

Right now, I'm definitely looking forward to the school year...we'll see how happy I am in a month when I'm in full swing with precii (plural of precis?), reflection essays, discussions, Hobbes, economics and biology, prepping for Dominican Republic trip...you get the picture!

Happy ending of summer everyone!

Under the mercy,

Elizabeth

Rejoice all ye who read this blog...

...for as of Monday the 4th of August, I am now a licensed driver!!!   Hip hip hooray for me!   So far since I've gotten my license I have...

1) driven to the grocery store for croutons and sliced turkey, and

2) driven to piano lessons since my sister was sick and not going.  

Oh the wonders of being able to drive by yourself wherever you want...as long as a car is available.  Next step...save enough to buy myself  a car :)

Under the mercy,

Elizabeth