What's In My Head Right Now

"I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, singing "Hey-o, gotta let go" This song always makes me think of crazy awkward dance parties in the back seat of my car. Not a good song to sing while I'm driving. Or at least, not a good song to obey.

Plato. He's pretty awesomeness. Symposium was good on the first read. The second read-through just to skim for key points blew my mind. Pretty sure I'll need to read it again before session. And talk to lots of Morgan House kids about it. And my mentor. And other mentors. And Dr. Reynolds. And then write my paper on it/Anna Karenina and have my mind blown some more.

Love kinda blows my mind. There's just so much of it here. I don't deserve any of it at all, the encouragement, the support, the hugs and compliments and patience. Maybe that's why it's called grace. I don't accept grace very easily. But I am so grateful for it nonetheless.

Grenade. Depressing song. I hope I've never been like that to anyone. I hope I've returned the love I've been given. Cause I'd catch a grenade for all of you...and I know you'd do the same. Still...catchy song :)

Catchy but depressing songs-John Mayer. Kinda mildly obsessed with his music sometimes. Learning Heart of Life on guitar and Dreaming with a Broken Heart on piano would be a successful accomplishment this semester.

It's kinda awkward sitting alone in the caf on a computer, wanting to sing your heart out and not being able to. Not that I'd do it if I weren't alone, but still. I wish practice rooms could fit more people, so people could just come chill while I messed around on the piano. I don't think I hate playing for people anymore. Probably a good thing, since I'll have to keep doing it for the next for years. It's easier with people I trust though.

It's been a long week. Lots on my mind, starting to weigh me down. Sometimes it feels hopeless, all the backsliding into depression and stress and anxiety each time I resolve to simply live and love and rejoice. But God's been there to pick me up every time I've fallen. So I should probably believe that He'll keep being there. And the cool thing is, people have been too. So I should probably stop doubting that they really love me. To everyone I've been driving crazy this week with my irrational fears, I'm sorry. To everyone I've vented to during the worst possible times, I'm sorry. To God, I'm sorry for failing. Thanks for loving me anyways. And for not making my works a condition of your love. Cause otherwise I'd be screwed.

I'm still sick after three weeks of coughing. Sometimes I think I'm just gonna keep coughing for the rest of my life. Which, other than the fact that everything is just sore now, wouldn't be as bad as a perpetual headache or something. But it just makes everything hurt...shoulders, back, ribs, throat, lungs...yadayadayada and I'm gonna stop complaining now. Cause life is pretty good. When my neck hurts, people give me backrubs. When I'm super tired, people give me awesome hugs. When I'm doubting my friends' love, someone tells me how much I mean to them. When I doubt God's presence, He gives me reminders through people, through music, through His word. When I'm hungry for more than I can find on this earth, God reminds me that there is more than this earth to look forward to. When I try and fill a void with guys, music, keeping busy, distractions, etc., God takes it all away, so He can fill the void.

"Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.

He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength.

Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;

but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like eagles;

They shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint"

-Isaiah 40:28-31

So I didn't go to Lancaster because I came down with a fever again on Thursday night...my mom thinks I had swine flu. Bleh.  

In other news, clep tests continue to abound, I should be practicing much more piano if I really want to have a senior recital, I missed out on mae and Deas Vail last night :(  and I got a new phone :)  Its very pretty, which makes me happyish.  

I need peace and quiet, I need to trust in God rather than managing everything myself but I can't let go for very long...

Wardrobe Doors to Better Worlds...

...aka some links which I wanted to share with all of you :)

First, an amazing blog post on Scriptorium Daily which literally hit me over the head like a ton of bricks.  Humility is something I daily struggle with, particularly in group discussions...therefore T. S. Eliot's quote about the wisdom of humility is the cover for my Faith of our Father's notebook :P  But this blog post is amazing and anyone who has ever been or ever will be in any sort of argument or discussion or debate should read this...and then lets talk! 

http://www.scriptoriumdaily.com/2009/08/30/wanted-humility/

Next and far less worthy though somewhat personally important...my first blog post on the Wheatstone blog! Yes, I'm very excited...once again, read and then let's discuss.  :)

http://www.wheatstoneacademy.com/#blog

Finally, a wonderfully cute and fun online movie I recently discovered...I actually haven't seen the entire thing yet, as it's fairly long (45 minutes), but I've listened to the soundtrack and its such a cute musical :)

http://www.hulu.com/watch/28343/dr-horribles-sing-along-blog#s-p1-so-i0

St. Annes-On-the-Hill

Someday...I want to have a home, where everyone is welcome at all times,

where there is always a kettle of tea boiling or a pot of coffee brewing, where I can reach

into the cupboard and pull out oatmeal chocolate chip cookies or a freshly baked tart

from the oven to serve to the friends who dropped by for a visit.  

Where laughter and tears are equally shared in comfy couches and chairs 

around a fire, where no topic of discussion is shied away from, where

everybody is free to speak their minds, and the Great Conversation

never ends, where the dialectic is pursued in love, where goodness

truth and beauty are earnestly sought after with true companions.

A home filled with beauty, art hanging on the walls from

dead masters and living companions skilled in drawing

or painting, where music is always filling the halls,

the piano lid is always open, or friends bring violins,

cellos, guitars, flutes, drums, and St. Anne's On The Hill

is never silent.  Voices raised in song, an admiring group

gathered to hear the latest story or poem, duets 

practiced, melodies intertwining in beautiful conversation.

A room filled with books, shelves upon shelves

of dark mahogany from floor to ceiling, and each book

is a friend.  There are comfortable chairs to read

or daydream in, and people are exclaiming aloud as they

read, talking about their books.  Scribbled notes to another

companion, chocolate or tear stains, exclamations

and remembered quotes, all these line the margins

of the books, a conversation between the friends

and the authors gone before and all else who read

these books.  

Where everyone is welcome, where truth

goodness and beauty are pursued together

where love of God and love of one another

are the most important things in the world

where true friends have everything in common, 

this is a little piece of heaven.  This is home.