Dr. Reynolds hit a lot closer to the truth when he said that I hated myself. There's a lot of that in this. A lot of disgust for the deeds I've done, a lot of loathing for the lies I've told myself and others, a lot of hate for the hearts I've hurt.
I think it's even deeper though. I don't want to love myself, because I don't think I'm worth it. I don't believe I am loved. Why would I be? Anyone who has loved me has been hurt by me, been smothered or rejected by me, been used by me. Anyone whom I have loved has blessed me and bruised me, held me and used me. I've gotten to be ok with this.
I need to stop being ok with being hurt and hurting. I need to be able to wake up every morning, look in the mirror, and say, "Screw this, I am pretty freakin' awesome." But I can't. Because I don't believe it. And I'm not really sure where to start to learn how to believe it. I think I've been hurt a little too much, hoped in a few too many failed ventures, tried to stretch my wings and just strained my shoulders.
I think...I really don't hate myself so much as this creature I see myself becoming, and the world that's made me become so.
2 comments:
You can't change your past and who you've been. But you can live from this moment on as the person who you should be, could be, wish you were, whatever.
I love you, and I think you're pretty great.
Don't dwell on the mistakes you've made. Jesus died for that. Just be the best person you can be. Love God. Love others. You can do it. You are pretty freaking awesome.
I have an idea of where you're coming from. I've struggled with a felling much like this for a long time. I've found that one of the most helpful things for me to do was to realize that the things I've done are in the past. I've done some pretty bad things growing up, and hurt several people, but, while I'm not dismissing consequences of those actions, that's not who I am anymore. Those past actions only really have power over me if I let them. I can be sad and depressed and hate myself that I've majority botched several relationships with friends, but that won't change anything now or make anything better.
While I know it's hard to turn that mentality around (I'm still struggling with it now), but the only one who can change this around is you. You can cling to pain and emptiness because it's familiar and keeps your image up, but if you do, you'll just be stuck in the same place your whole life, and it will never get better. You have to be willing to let go. Jump, not knowing what's in the waters below you. Otherwise, you'll be stuck alone on the island for the rest of your life.
Praying for you. Message me on Facebook if you ever need someone to talk to. . . (=(
Post a Comment