Dr. Reynolds hit a lot closer to the truth when he said that I hated myself. There's a lot of that in this. A lot of disgust for the deeds I've done, a lot of loathing for the lies I've told myself and others, a lot of hate for the hearts I've hurt.
I think it's even deeper though. I don't want to love myself, because I don't think I'm worth it. I don't believe I am loved. Why would I be? Anyone who has loved me has been hurt by me, been smothered or rejected by me, been used by me. Anyone whom I have loved has blessed me and bruised me, held me and used me. I've gotten to be ok with this.
I need to stop being ok with being hurt and hurting. I need to be able to wake up every morning, look in the mirror, and say, "Screw this, I am pretty freakin' awesome." But I can't. Because I don't believe it. And I'm not really sure where to start to learn how to believe it. I think I've been hurt a little too much, hoped in a few too many failed ventures, tried to stretch my wings and just strained my shoulders.
I think...I really don't hate myself so much as this creature I see myself becoming, and the world that's made me become so.