Friday, May 6, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
I cannot save you this time.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Again, in spite of that, we call this Friday good.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The cream-and-lace dress hangs
over a chair, waiting to be worn,
a little bit torn but still beautiful,
a little bit broken but still loveable.
Softly the violins sing, a serenade
or a lament? Walking down the aisle,
walking to new life as a bride,
or the bride of Christ. Is this new life
or a death? I don't know which
I'm pretending to be. Alone I pretend
to be a bride, but whose? Why
would they leave the bride alone
to curl her own hair, sob in that chair
where the wedding-death dress hangs?
The virgin bride prepares to lie
in her coffin, a slow walk down the aisle,
her last walk from the earth to her grave
in a worn-out wedding dress.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
"How did I get here? I'm not who I once was. Am I crippled by the fear that I've fallen too far to love?"-Tenth Avenue North, "You are More"
Falling apart, spiraling out of control. My life the past few days has been one miserable failure to love. Anxiety, depression, strain and stress and a breaking heart, coupled with physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion and the cares and frustration with running on 60-70% energy almost constantly have broken me.
I have no strength. I can't fight, I can't love, I'm slowly unravelling and I'm going to end by hurting everyone I've ever loved. A walking disaster of bitterness and betrayal, abandonment and angst, bump me and I'll bleed toxic waste. I've already hurt people I love, and that's killing me slowly, bleeding out from an imperceptible wound. Throughout the past semester, my one comfort was that no matter how much I screwed up, no matter how unhinged I came, I was still learning to love. And now...epic fail beyond that of all epic fails. Eyes wide open, hands free, I destroyed my one security-the belief that I could love.
Crippled by fear...that's so incredibly true. I'm starving for love and acceptance that I've convinced myself I no longer have. I need. So much. And this intense need is driving the very people I need farther and farther away. Without this assurance of love and sense of belonging, I feel like I'm slowly dying inside. But the very pursuit of being loved is killing me too.
I'm too far gone, I think. I'm an emotional wreck. Each mood swing more drastic than the last, the pent-up pressure can only result in an explosion. And when I explode, it won't be pretty. So look out world, cause I'm dying, and I won't go down gently. Slipping into the dark, grasping at straws that I know won't save me, falling off a cliff with nothing to break the landing.
After our Reynolds session last night, my biggest realization was this: Love is the most important thing in the world. And I'm screwing that up. So I'm basically gone, burnt out by a passion I didn't have strength to maintain.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I think I'll make a sign
Beware this heart of mine
Cause I know that in time
You'll find out all of me
I'll warn you to take care
Red letters say beware
You say that you don't care
But you won't like what you see
This is your only warning till you walk in, eyes open wide
My heart's a danger zone of fears and shame and pride
But if that doesn't scare you, if you don't run away
Then promise me despite my scars that you are here to stay
These signs are warning you
What comes if you break through
The walls up shielding you
From what you shouldn't know
Think you can handle me?
Not scared by what you see?
Hold my heart carefully
Cause I could still explode
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2010 was a weird year. Less of an emotional roller coaster than the previous few years, it was nonetheless a year of change and confrontation, two things which I avoid at all costs. A year of transition, of endings and beginnings, of old relationships fading and new relationships springing up in their stead. A year of changing from a child to an adult, from a high schooler with classes planned for her and easily accomplished workloads to a college student with decisions to make and her own schedule to balance. A year of changing dynamics in relationships with both family and friends, and a year of confrontation over the difficulties in many of those relationships.
Far more important and far more lasting than any of these small tweaks and turns in my life are the lessons I've finally begun to learn. Each year, different issues have begun to surface in my life, and each year, I've tried again and again to perfect myself, to conquer my vices, to overcome my struggles by my own strength. 2010 has been a year where God has complete stripped away everything that is not of Him; my pride and insecurities and the lesser goods I've refused to loosen my grip on. (Yes, I ended a sentence with a preposition. Deal with it.) The various issues I've dealt with all throughout high school finally came together at the end of this year, crashing over me in such an unavoidable manner, like a tsunami raging through a defenseless village, that I could do nothing but surrender completely and give up everything. You won't relent until You have it all, will you God? He wants everything I am and everything I have to be wholly devoted to Him. And this year, He finally broke through to me.
2010 began uneventful but with promise. A relatively smooth senior year, acceptance into both schools of choice, a newly forming band, and a return trip to the DR (Dominican Republic for those who haven't been) gave me something to look back on and something to look forward to. But between the beginning of January with its new beginnings and February with the promised return to a place where for once in my life everything felt right, something snapped. A relationship gone sour, an involuntary relinquishment of the peace and stability I had only held for a few short weeks, and I was back where I had been at the end of 2009: anxious, constantly tense, and emotionally exhausted.
Through a combination of clashing ideals and personalities and multiple misunderstandings and miscommunications, one of the friendships I prized the most was on the edge of a knife, only maintained by my sheer refusal to let go. This affected the missions trip I had looked forward to so much, turning it into a nightmare as I was constantly with one of the people I both respected and hated the most. It also affected the band which was to have been my creative outlet and emotional release during the year, turning it into a battleground for personal problems; a battle which I eventually lost and made a hasty retreat to avoid being unceremoniously booted off the playing field. In less melodramatic terms, I was an emotional wreck during the DR trip, and I left the band I had formed so I couldn't get kicked out. Throughout the tension of this particular relationship, I also had to deal with the decisions regarding college which I had pushed aside until this spring. Being accepted into the Torrey Honors Institute, and later on, the Conservatory of Music as a BA was a strong pull for Biola, yet I could tell that my parents still favored Providence. Wavering back and forth between schools and majors, waiting for a friendship to collapse completely, wondering when I would ever have complete clarity in my life and wishing for that unrememberable time when I was young and free of worry (unrememberable because I'm nearly positive that time never existed, at least not later than elementary school), there was absolutely nothing I could do. And yet I fought.
April, everything finally fell into place. I sent in my deposit for Biola and made the official decision to attend the Torrey Honors Institute as a double major in music with piano emphasis and English with writing emphasis (and no, I don't regret this decision for a moment). I had an amazing senior recital for piano, though I had been dreading it since the project began to take shape. And this relationship, such a subconscious strain in everything I did, was finally reconciled and the healing process began. (We went to Disneyland with a few other friends the next day-one of the best days of the year. Disneyland really is one of the happiest places on earth). With a restored friendship, a new band which I came back to as manager, and graduation just around the corner, I was ready for anything.
Summer 2010 was one of the best times of my life. Decisions regarding college had been made and thus were no longer a stress. High school was done forever, and I had three months to spend with my best friends before going to the school I had dreamed of attending for the past several years. Almost every day was spent with the people I cared about most, relaxing and rejoicing (and plenty of Dr. Who watching). Of course, I knew all that would change when I went to college, but I pushed that inconvenient thought to the back of my mind. One friend in particular tried to get me to accept the inevitable change, and not only accept but welcome it, but it was summer. I still had a month of vacation left. I was happy, and I wasn't going to think about people leaving. I hate it when people leave.
As the time for me to leave for Biola (leaving in the mental/emotional sense, as it was less than 20 minutes from my home), I began to dread the actual leaving. Having deep-rooted issues with abandonment and a resulting inability to let go of people I loved which started with my grandmother's death of cancer when I was 12 and was made more pronounced by a traumatic end to a relationship around the same time as my other grandmother's health issues, I resisted any sort of change and refused to admit that things could change for the better. Going to Biola while my friends went their various ways forced me to confront these issues for the first of many times. Compounding the tension was the knowledge that said traumatic-ending relationship was perhaps not completely over, as the friend involved in this relationship was also attending Biola and Torrey, and with the many mutual friends, we would inevitably be forced to confront, or at least re-connect. Having finally come to terms with the fact that I was over things in this relationship, knowing that this relationship wasn't actually over forced me to rethink things completely. Little could I have known that this relationship, with all its attached strain and stress, would be the basis for both the confrontation and reconciliation of some of the issues I had been dealing with all throughout high school.
Coming to Biola was by far the high point of the year. The people loved and the lessons learned have made this semester a life changing one. Although I was studying what I loved and thriving in Torrey, my stress levels increased as my sleep decreased, and with sleep's decrease, so did general levels of sanity and well-being. Considering how good my life was, it was rather odd that my emotional life should have been so traumatic, but then again, re-opening old wounds tends to do that. Seeing this friend again after two years to wonder, wish, and finally attempt to move on brought back a lot of issues I had never intended to confront. As we became closer and old feelings re-surfaced, so did the old fears of abandonment due to my own failures. Over and over again, in various ways and with various people, I loved and was loved in return, panicked that they would leave me and that I couldn't be good enough for them, and was finally reassured by them and God that I was safe. Over and over again, God tried to get me to let go of my fears and failures, bringing me again and again to a point of brokenness, and again and again, I tried to pull myself back together and be good enough for God.
Finally, He won. After a mild panic attack near the end of the semester, I realized how much my stress and strain was killing my joy and love. Physically and emotionally, I was spent. I had nothing left and I knew it. The only option was to die or be reborn. Having to let go of friends, of my own pride and neurotic need for perfection, of everything that was not God, I have gained so much more. Giving up, I have been given the greatest gift of grace and the perfect promise of hope. Seeking and striving for love and acceptance, I wore myself down. Seeking to see God, the only thing that will bring true happiness, I see the face of Love. God is Love, and I will abide in Love, and Love overflows from me.